Learning Moments

Finding the most helpful support styles

“A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want.” — Madonna

The Help Paradox.
We’ve all been there. 
A friend shares a problem, and our immediate response is, “If I were you, I would…” It’s natural to jump straight into solution mode. But is that what they truly need?

When someone offers me well-meant advice, it often leaves me feeling misunderstood. I don’t want someone to tell me what to do—I want someone to help me figure things out for myself. After all, they’re not me.

On the other hand, asking for help is surprisingly tricky. 

When we can articulate exactly what we need, it’s usually because we’ve already done quite some of the thinking. The irony? The moments we most need support are when we can’t put our needs into words.

I experienced this recently when stuck on a project. My thoughts were circling wildly; I felt uncertain. I doubted and struggled, taking one step forward and then backwards. The idea of seeking help didn’t even occur to me—I thought I needed to sort everything out before making a “proper” request.

When a friend reached out. I told him spontaneously: “I need a listening buddy. When do you have time?” He didn’t jump in with advice. He simply listened, asking occasional questions that helped me explore my thoughts. 

The Four Faces of Help

This experience reminded me of the Helping Heuristics from Liberating Structures—four distinct support styles that serve different needs:

• Quiet Presence: The listening buddy who simply sits with you and listens. No interruption, no advice—just full attention, allowing your thoughts to unfold. A human sounding board, offering the calm space we all occasionally need.
• Guided Discovery: The coach gently guides you with thoughtful questions, helping you dig deeper and uncover what truly matters. 
• Loving Provocation: The friend who plays devil’s advocate, offering fresh perspectives when they spot something you might be missing. They challenge you with care and love, nudging you beyond comfortable thinking.
• Process Mindfulness: The collaborator who builds alongside you—“yes, and…”—expanding ideas and possibilities. Together, you create something neither of you could have imagined alone.

Everyone has a preferred support style—and it might change depending on the situation.

Perhaps the key to better helping isn’t having all the answers but knowing exactly which questions to ask—including “How can I best support you right now?”

What about you? Which style do you naturally offer, and which do you secretly crave when stuck? 
Share your thoughts in the comments below.

More on Helping Heuristics:  Helping Heuristics, by Liberating Structures and Finding our go-to listening and supporting ‘styles’ with Helping Heuristics

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The bit at the end

Exciting events on the horizon to support your exploration:

• Interested in an inspiration walk through Alkmaar? Join the first Street Wisdom Walk on June 4 at 14:00. Details and sign up here (for free).
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Reach out,  I’m always open for a chat.
Creatively,
Nadia

P.S.The paintings featured on the blog are my own.